currently looking for:

- a really good girlfriend i can talk to.

job responsibilities:
- must have a unique and enthralling sense of humor.
- smart enough for me to take you and your opinions seriously.
- honest to the bone, even if it might hurt.
- enjoys random dance parties.
- loyal and trustworthy.
- dependable. no matter what, no matter the fight, i want to know, without a shadow of a doubt, that we're sticking it out.
- always up for an adventure.
- must enjoy long hours of endless chatter.
- classy and respectable.
- sarcastic.
- available for bitch sessions.
- an excellent sense of style.

i keep loosing my best friends.
so the application process will be stricter.
reapplying is always allowed.
*sigh*

yeah, i'm pretty angry too.

all I said to you, all I did for you seems so silly to me now.

you've never been the kind of friend i've wanted or needed.
just like you've said, i can't change you or the decisions you make.

i'm the type of person that if i'm your friend, if i've ever loved you or cared about you, i will be there. 100%, however i can be, whenever you need me to be.
no matter what you've done to me, or how long it's been.
i guess i need to stop expecting those same people to be the same towards me.
because in the past year, it hasn't been true about one single person in my life.

this past weekend i went through the saddest, most profoundly devastating thing i've ever experienced in my life, and you weren't there, you couldn't see past whatever you're going through to realize i needed you more than i ever had.

you're intensely selfish in the worst way; you play it off as selflessness.
but you're not a martyer.

we're not good people, neither of us.
we're not good friends. we don't take responsbility.
you're no better than me. i'm no better than you.

the distinct difference between us, is that i've never tried to be anything but what i am. who i am, whatever or whoever that may be at any given time.
and i sincerly hope you figure out who you are and what you want.
but don't think for one second that i care anymore.
because if i never see you or hear from you again i will consider myself better off.
you will never hurt me again.

sometimes i'm angry.

I could say that I'll always be here for you,
But that would be a lie and quite a pointless thing to do,
I could says that I'll always have feelings for you
But i've got a life ahead of me and I'm only 22.


i've been twisted around you in one way or another for over two years.
sometimes it was beautiful and sometimes it was tragic.
and i always understood the gravity of our curcumstances.
i always understood.
i've forgiven you for crushing me time and time again.
not that my hands are clean.
but i never withhold my love or judge you.
and i'm tired of being on my knees.
so yes. be angry.
but i don't have any fight left in me.
not when i realize now...
this battles never ending.

hey quiet girl.

halloween was a wonderful walk down memory lane.

it's so refreshing to not be angry or sad.
i just want the people i care about to be happy.
and i don't have time for anyone who doesn't want the same for me.

it's like i took a shower and finally got all the dirt off.

i'm so in love with this time of year.

i love the crisp weather.
i love boots and winter coats.
i love watching the leaves change.
i love the leaves crunching under my feet.
i love hot coffee and tea.
i love halloween costumes and decorations.
i love pumpkins.
i love falling in love in the fall. (not that i'm falling in love currently. )
i love seeing my breath.
i love mittens, hats and scarves.
i love snuggling.
i love haunted hay rides.

this is so cute it should be exploding into sparkles.

you MUST check this site out:

it's real, love.

i carry on daily missing some of the most vital organs of my life. i'm not sure how i'm doing it, but... i am. my lungs have left the country and all those years of inhaling and exhaling smoke have caught up with me. my heart has been torn in two and the gap between the two pieces keeps getting wider and wider. i'm not sure i'll ever get close enough to either piece to reclaim them. I must have ate something that poisoned my digestive system and i'm starting to see there isn't a cure; and worse yet, neither one of us would want the cure were i to find it. my fingers are lost; caught in the past and totally destroying my ability to create art. everytime i try to sew them back on i catch myself getting nostalgic and i have to rip them off again.
maybe i'll just make a playlist and hope the music reaches the ears of my limbs and they all come back to me on their own.

but this is just today.
maybe, tomorrow, i'll just wake up and fill the spaces again.

vomit.

FYI

hypocrite:
-noun
-a person who feigns some desirable or publicly approved attitude, one whose private life, opinions, or statements belie his or her public statements.


someone needs to re-evaluate their life.

"You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you."

I am an Alphabet woman, a magician with words.
I am a Book woman, reading to stay alive.
I am a Creative woman, forming art from garbage.
I am a Dragonfly woman, born of water, earth and sky.
I am an Earthy woman, friends with trees and flowers.
I am a Flying woman, soaring nightly in my dreams.
I am a Gardening woman, tiller of soil and soul.
I am an Herbal woman, creator of enchanted potions.
I am an Intuitive woman, looking beyond facades.
I am a Joyous woman, happy to be alive.
I am a Kind woman, treating others with respect.
I am a Learning woman, hungry for truth and knowledge.
I am a Moon woman, in tune with lunar cycles.
I am a Nature woman, hearing the earth’s heartbeat.
I am an Ocean woman, drawn by the pull of the tides.
I am a Poet woman, midwife to little poems.
I am a Questioning woman, every seeking mystery.
I am a Reading woman, devourer of words.
I am a Survivor woman, growing stronger with each challenge.
I am a Tattooed woman, wearing my spirit on my skin.
I am an Understanding woman, full of empathy.
I am a Victorious woman, overcomer of obstacles large and small.
I am a Wild woman, indefinable, spirited and free.
I am an X-ray woman, seeing through life’s illusions.
I am a Yin-Yang woman, ever seeking balance.
I am a Zealous woman, passionate about life, truth and love.

don't be so serious. i can't wait to see you.

Autumn_Always_Leaves

i was so excited to hear how autumn was adjusting to life in china. i knew she'd be happy; and i'm so glad she allowed herself to be. she told me once that you choose how you react to situations.... and since then i've always believed it... but hated it. it's this idea that if you're unhappy you have to face the fact that you allowed yourself to become that way; it's really transferable to any emontion we like to blame on other people.

but... it also made me sad. because i should be there. we should be standing in front of that staute together, in awe. or making fun of the brooms, oh, a good one, we should be getting into public fights whenever people stare, just to give them a good show and for us to get a good laugh.
man, i wish i was there.

cutest babies.

me and katt williams would be best friends <3

goodnight.

quiz: what kind of person are you?

the kind of person i want to be:
-compassionate
-forgiving
-understanding
-supportive
-clever & witty
-strong in my convictions
-intellegent
-responsible
-respectful
-free


the kind of person i currently am:
-angry & hostile
-confused
-selfish
-a common gossip
-rude
- competely trapped

i want so badly to be a good friend.
i was on the phone with kacie tonight, and she asked me,
'why are you trying so hard, when no one else has?'
and i'm starting to see it.

why am i fighting an uphill battle to save the relationships and friendships in my life when i'm only met with indifference?
what do you do with someone you love and hate in equal parts?
what does a 'good person' do?

do i let my heart win out?
remember how much fun i've had with these people and all the shit they stood by me through. and keep in mind that forgiveness and understanding are big parts of relationships of all kinds.

or do i let my brain win out?
the part of my brain that's screaming at me to look at the facts & track records and admit that i'm just being stupid at this point.

all i want is for someone to stand up for me and my friendship with them.
i know i haven't always been the best friend or best person,
but i've changed.
i've grown.
and i think my actions speak that.

i have nothing to give you but these two songs; choose wisely.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

to a friend who was never all that nice.

if timings everything
stop telling me you're taking your time
i know you're anxious
but you're running your mouth like you're five
years old again
it's so hard to pretend

like i know everything-
i don't know anything.
i wanted you to see....
that i got nothing.

i'll sit back and i'll watch the show
yeah, i'll watch the show
and i'll lay awake
and i'll watch the stars as they collide
just wishing you the best

it's been awhile!

happy mothers day.

when you see my face hope it gives you hell.

it breaks my heart when people i know, become people i knew. when i get to a point with someone when they can walk right past me like i was never a huge part of their life. those people i could talk to for hours can't even look me in the damn eye. good things change, and there's nothing i can do about it.

oh my goodness. john and bob are drunk again <3

A Letter I'll Never Send (one of many)

i'm back in the rabbit hole, nothing's changed, at least there's that: consistency. i still miss you, i still think of you, i'm still sorry and angry. there's a thousand memories i have linked to you, some wonderful, some ugly. after the shear volume of compiled beautiful words we've both had in us isn't it a painfully ironic ending? poets with nothing to say.
i swear i'd spend the rest of my life writing nothing but light at the end of this tunnel if i could find the fucking tunnel, i'd write you nothing but white flags. but to you i'm still an eternal night. so i'm left writing poems about wind chimes and world peace while even in my sleep i'm fighting wars that grind the enamel off my teeth. i wake with my jaw clenched and my body bend thinking about how many dishes i'd have to break in the attempt not to break myself. if ghandi were alive, he'd shoot me.
i think of you, all the mistakes i've made and remember myself with track marks on my tounge from shooting up convictions that hung innocent people from trees. it may be too late but listen, i found the sissors and their in my hand. that means everything to me. it means i'm forgiving you even if you chose to never forgive me. it's my hearts thank you to you for helping me see that the only god worth praying too exsists in a room of mirrors.
you could stand at the cliff that looks over my memories and shout nothing but ugly through me but i promise all i can and would echo back to you is the word beauty, beauty, it's all been beauty. even when it was hell didn't the flames look so pretty?

RANT.

until this week I've went into my Religion in Film class every week with an open minded curiousity in order to gain a basic knowledge of something I don't agree with. I've done this because I pride myself on my ability to see and respect different points of view, and they help me understand my own views better.

but like i said, this week sucked. I left class this week questioning the entire basis of my taking the class but more importantly the entire education system. During a class discussion about one of the directors of a film we had watched in class, my teacher commented on the fact that this director 'claimed' to be Christian but also was 'a self proclaimed gay'. Immediately after saying it, the entire class erupted into a fit of laughter. As a woman who's openly dated both men and women, I obviously didn't laugh. I, in fact, tentatively raise my hand and asked for clarification of what was funny, clearly i had missed something. As soon as the words, "maybe because I"m gay or at least have gay tendencies, I didn't understand..." Ten self-righteous, Christian hands shot up in the air. I was so starled by it I couldn't even finish my sentence. No need to though, because instead of my professor taking his oppurtunity to redirect a conversation to keep it from crashing and burning on his watch, he decides it's a good idea to just call on one of these people.

BAD IDEA. A seemingly timid girl who sits in the back row, I don't think I've heard her say a word all semester, clears her throat and says in response to me, "You can't claim to to believe in God and be gay. if you were 'born gay' (yes, she used air quotes) then you should have the discipline to lead a celibate lifestyle, God doesn't approve of your homosexual sex."
FLOORED.
I was speechless, and yet i could feel blood begininng to boil. How could this classroom of students, and what I thought was supposed to a professional teacher, have sat and watched Passion of the Christ, watched this man 'die for our sins' while geeing his God to forgive them men who put him on the cross, sit and pass judgement on me? kind of seem contradictory doesn't it?
In the 21st century how the hell can a college professor really thin it's okay to allow such a conversation to take place? The person who's in charge of mediating class discussion didn't say one word about respecting other peoples rights, not one word about to each his own, nothing, silence. I retaliated with the ever common response, "If 'God' (yes, i used air quotes as well) made me in his image and he was so against homosexuality, why did he create the desire in anyone in the first place?" I didn't wait. I gathered my cigarettes and lighter and went for a smoke.

this makes me really fucking happy.

<3

the list of people i'm going to marry is getting kinda long.

-andrea gibson.

-kacie lynch.



-michael cera.


-katherine moenning.


-robert pattinson.


-joshua jackson.

i got wordzzz.

Original Video - More videos at TinyPic

REVOLUTION.

you have to be more politically aware with everything that's happening right now.
it's inexcusable not to be. we have power.
the goverment is literally afraid of us.
they're afraid of us not only because we're a cultural threat but also as a political threat. we have the power to influence the future of how this country operates and the pretense it operates under.
revolution is nessary, but it must come by a peaceful means.
revolution does not equal violence; unless we let it.
a knife laying on a table isn't a threat to anyone until it's picked up and used by someone as a tool.
total peace isn't possible overnight.
but violence, war, fighting for peace?
does that lack common, logic thought to anyone but me?
you don't realize the power and unlimited control the government has until you're willing to face the fact that we, as individuals are completely powerless. but as a whole, we can do amazing things.
they scare us into wars that we don't need to fight. it's frieghting when our government, the institution we expect to take care of us, tells us we should be scared. hinting that somehow they've lost control or might loose it and in order to regain it we must fight.
with every escalation, our world comes closer to cosmic disaster.
never has so much power been used so ineffectively.
it's time for new leadership not tied to the mistakes of the past.

as young people, we're just the beginning of change.
our job is get out there and make sure we know, and everyone else knows, that there is still oppurtunity. it isn't over just because Bush fucked us over for 8 years and the economy has gone spiraling out of control. so, yeah, someone tried to kill john lennon, but they couldn't. because his messege lives on and breeds hope.

isn't it about time for a ciggarette, some ani, and deep glass of wine.

reason's i love summer nicole:

-her determination to survive.
-her posture.
-the classy way she smokes and throws her head back when she laughs.
-her endless creativity.
-she tell it to me straight, giving me new perspectives.
-we're old souls.
-our combinded inability to plan anything, but also, our combinded efforts to overcome it.
-her determination to love.
-her glasses.
-she's the best of both worlds: delicate and strong.
-her faith in everything i can't afford to faith in.
-our shared history and future.
-she's one of the few people i can always pick up right where i left off with.
-she accepts my ever-changing thoughts.
-intellegent, brilliant.

she will change the world someday.

not quite yet.

how do you close the gap between what you want from someone and what they're in a position to give you? the way i see it, there are two available options:
A. compromise. meet either in the middle or give in entirely.
B. or decide that what you want or what you're willing to give is non-negotiable.

does it really matter which path you take? which of these options you decide to choose? isn't the important part making a decision, ANY decision. It's impossible to stay in this limbo where both of you know that some decision needs to be reached, but continuing to say, not quite yet.

OMG. OMG. OMG. i miss this.

oh, janis.

post this.

i'm starting to realize that all my problems can't be blamed on anything else but myself.

only i can make my life what i want it to be and everyday my lack of self-control and self-discipline fuck it up more and more.

i miss the days wehn i thought there was some wrong with me.

when i saw this, my heart started racing because i thought....
just maybe.....




i saw this and realized, i pass judgement on people i shouldn't.

thinking: i guess i should've said something... anything... i mean, for someone who wants to be a writer, it suddenly seemed like no words had ever been written. but when someone tells you that they somehow stopped missing you, you're pretty much screwed, no matter what you say.
times like these candice, sorry isn't enough.

she's asking what you're gonna teach your son.

"she knows how much control is worth,
knows what a woman can lose
when her power to move
is taken away"


we were given hands.
i can't keep mine clean.
there's dirt under my nails.
my skin is cracked,
i don't use enough lotion.
my cuticles haven't been pushed back in years.
there's ink from yesterday's hasty note.
they're sore from clutching my ears,
to block out things i should not be hearing.

things that should have never happened.

but they're not covered in blood.
from a heart i've knowingly ripped out.
there isn't the smell of sex i shouldn't have had.
they're not tight from holding down someone's wrists.
i've never claimed to love someone
that could drive me to that point.
because that's a lie.

so yeah,
i'll admit it,
my hands are dirty.
but yours?
your hands are filthy.

dream- dream, dream, dream.

*i don't think i want that much from life.

Bus Ticket to GA- $109

ESL Course- $395

Flight to Costa Rica- $825

RV- $23,000

Twilight DVD- $24

Captain's George's Seafood Buffet- $30

Hyundai Accent- $9,970

3/5/09

i have nothing to offer anyone except my own confusion.
i'm constantly at odds with myself.
but i think that's okay.
my plan is to avoid the world,
it's just a lot of dust and drag and means nothing in the end.

i wish i could take a long walk with an old friend right now.

on a side note.
i don't understand how time moves so quickly.
but at the same time.
it feels like i've lived two different lives.

i can forgive you.

i've noticed things get broken in your home.
(usually at the kitchen table)
like they were pushed
by an invisible, deliberate smasher.
it's not my hands or yours,
it wasn't the girls,
with their curious hands,
or the gravity of the planet.
it wasn't anything or anybody.

i've noticed we're selfish,
it's something we've always had in common.
we steal, we lie, we look down at others
from our undeserved towers.
i'm not selfish with my forgiveness.
i like forgiving people.
it means they owe me something later.

let's put all our treasures together
-journals, ink pens,a deck of cards, empty liqour bottles-
into a sack and carry them
to the sea
and let our possessions sink.
may whatever breaks
be worn down by the sea
with the long labor of its tides.
so many useless things
which nobody broke
but which got broken anyway.

andrea gibson <3

yes, we can.

"and Hansel said to Gretal: let us drop these break crumbs, so that together we can find our way home, because losing our way would be the most cruel of things."

who hasn't lost their way at some point? losing your way on a journey of any kind is unfortunate. but losing your reason for the journey, is fate far more cruel. my entire life has been a journey leading me. sometimes i've traveled alone. sometimes there were others who took the wheel, and my heart. but when the destination was reached, it wasn't me who'd arrived. it wasn't me at all.
once you loose yourself, you have two choices. find the person you used to be, or lose that person completely. there are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroad, afraid, confused, without a roadmap. the choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days. of course faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back. because sometimes you have to step outside the person you've been, and remember the person you were meant to be. the person you wanted to be.
______________________________________________

George Bernard Shaw once wrote: "There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it." Clearly, Shaw had his heart broken once or twice.

currently listening to: hard rock on someone's playlist on myspace.

a list of things i'd do:
1. i'd quit drinking.
2. i'd quit smoking.
3. i'll be honest.
4. i'll support you.
5. i'll communicate how i'm feeling.
6. i won't hang up on you when i'm mad.
7. i won't take you places you don't want to be.
8. i'll work on that thing i'm not very good at ;)
9. i'll share everything i have.
10. i'll write you cheesy letters when you leave.

*ugh. life's hard. i don't care what anyone says.

declaration.

currently listening to: as is by ani difranco.
"just give up and admit you're an asshole.
you would be in some, good company.
and i think you'd find, that your friends would forgive you,
or maybe i'm just speaking for me."

I remember being in a panic one day at school when I realized I couldn't even fake being the old candice anymore. I cried for hours because so many people in my life expecting me to be a certain way was too much pressure, as if i'd been held against a wall and interrogated for hours, asked questions I couldn't quite remember the answers too anymore.