currently looking for:

- a really good girlfriend i can talk to.

job responsibilities:
- must have a unique and enthralling sense of humor.
- smart enough for me to take you and your opinions seriously.
- honest to the bone, even if it might hurt.
- enjoys random dance parties.
- loyal and trustworthy.
- dependable. no matter what, no matter the fight, i want to know, without a shadow of a doubt, that we're sticking it out.
- always up for an adventure.
- must enjoy long hours of endless chatter.
- classy and respectable.
- sarcastic.
- available for bitch sessions.
- an excellent sense of style.

i keep loosing my best friends.
so the application process will be stricter.
reapplying is always allowed.
*sigh*

yeah, i'm pretty angry too.

all I said to you, all I did for you seems so silly to me now.

you've never been the kind of friend i've wanted or needed.
just like you've said, i can't change you or the decisions you make.

i'm the type of person that if i'm your friend, if i've ever loved you or cared about you, i will be there. 100%, however i can be, whenever you need me to be.
no matter what you've done to me, or how long it's been.
i guess i need to stop expecting those same people to be the same towards me.
because in the past year, it hasn't been true about one single person in my life.

this past weekend i went through the saddest, most profoundly devastating thing i've ever experienced in my life, and you weren't there, you couldn't see past whatever you're going through to realize i needed you more than i ever had.

you're intensely selfish in the worst way; you play it off as selflessness.
but you're not a martyer.

we're not good people, neither of us.
we're not good friends. we don't take responsbility.
you're no better than me. i'm no better than you.

the distinct difference between us, is that i've never tried to be anything but what i am. who i am, whatever or whoever that may be at any given time.
and i sincerly hope you figure out who you are and what you want.
but don't think for one second that i care anymore.
because if i never see you or hear from you again i will consider myself better off.
you will never hurt me again.

sometimes i'm angry.

I could say that I'll always be here for you,
But that would be a lie and quite a pointless thing to do,
I could says that I'll always have feelings for you
But i've got a life ahead of me and I'm only 22.


i've been twisted around you in one way or another for over two years.
sometimes it was beautiful and sometimes it was tragic.
and i always understood the gravity of our curcumstances.
i always understood.
i've forgiven you for crushing me time and time again.
not that my hands are clean.
but i never withhold my love or judge you.
and i'm tired of being on my knees.
so yes. be angry.
but i don't have any fight left in me.
not when i realize now...
this battles never ending.

hey quiet girl.

halloween was a wonderful walk down memory lane.

it's so refreshing to not be angry or sad.
i just want the people i care about to be happy.
and i don't have time for anyone who doesn't want the same for me.

it's like i took a shower and finally got all the dirt off.

i'm so in love with this time of year.

i love the crisp weather.
i love boots and winter coats.
i love watching the leaves change.
i love the leaves crunching under my feet.
i love hot coffee and tea.
i love halloween costumes and decorations.
i love pumpkins.
i love falling in love in the fall. (not that i'm falling in love currently. )
i love seeing my breath.
i love mittens, hats and scarves.
i love snuggling.
i love haunted hay rides.

this is so cute it should be exploding into sparkles.

you MUST check this site out:

it's real, love.

i carry on daily missing some of the most vital organs of my life. i'm not sure how i'm doing it, but... i am. my lungs have left the country and all those years of inhaling and exhaling smoke have caught up with me. my heart has been torn in two and the gap between the two pieces keeps getting wider and wider. i'm not sure i'll ever get close enough to either piece to reclaim them. I must have ate something that poisoned my digestive system and i'm starting to see there isn't a cure; and worse yet, neither one of us would want the cure were i to find it. my fingers are lost; caught in the past and totally destroying my ability to create art. everytime i try to sew them back on i catch myself getting nostalgic and i have to rip them off again.
maybe i'll just make a playlist and hope the music reaches the ears of my limbs and they all come back to me on their own.

but this is just today.
maybe, tomorrow, i'll just wake up and fill the spaces again.